“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” – Hilary Stanton Zunin
Well the loft is finally in. When I look back to when I set myself the first goal on my long list of things I would like to do, since then so many things have changed. the first Saturday in March, my only day off in March, my parents came to help me put in my loft. We installed tongue and grove across the joists. I’ve had a ladder made since then to get up into the loft, but I haven’t installed yet. Actually as I type it’s still strapped into the box of my truck. The day we finished the loft we moved up my bed (no easy feat of in which I broke almost all of my fingernails in the process) and I went to town and bought all new crispy white sheets and lots of poofy new pillows. I haven’t been sleeping in the loft up until yesterday as I have visions of me getting up in the night and walking off the edge. Also my way of getting into the loft before yesterday consisted of jumping from chair, to table, to chair on table, to armoire, to loft. Not exactly the safest thing to do when you only have yourself to rely on.
Last night I spent my first night actually sleeping in the loft. It was, in all ways, pure bliss. After sleeping on my couch since the beds been moved into the loft, sleeping on a queen sized bed with room to spread out and pillows, Pillows! Oh my goodness, is awesome! Also convenient, the window we installed into the upstairs when we built the cabin, is perfect. The loft is significantly warmer than the lower level, and if it gets too hot, I can open the window. It’s the simple things in life right?
So that is the good in my life right now. When you work four jobs, it’s sleep you look forward to. Now for the bad.
A couple days after we put the floor in the loft, tragedy.
I was working at the gas station close to my Mom’s house, where I often bring Borden for the day so he can spend time with people, or my Mom’s dog. Socialization is a good thing. A customer came in asking if I knew anyone who owned a big black dog close to the road my Mom lives on. I knew exactly what had happened. I phoned my parents right away and asked them to move him off the road. Someone hit him, and by the sounds of things he was killed instantly.
As I’ve said before he was not a very good dog. He did however serve his purpose as a guard dog and also, as company. Though I took the company for granted until it was gone. I still open the door to let him out first thing in the morning. When a moose or deer walks by the window, think of what Borden’s reaction would have been.
I have had a reoccurring dream since Borden’s been gone. I wake up all hours of the night thinking I hear footsteps outside the cabin walking through the snow. Often there are actually animals walking around outside, but I’ve let the fear creep in that someone is outside, looking in. I’ve never had to listen for anything before because Borden did that for me. Now the silence is consuming.
I thought maybe I could carry on without a dog for a while. I certainly don’t want to replace him with a new one, if anything I would just want Borden back, but a dog in the woods is an excellent tool for survival and peace of mind. Even a bad one. So I’ve started looking for a new one, or new “ones” as I’ve been thinking if I had two they could keep each other company and I wouldn’t have to bring one to town to socialize. We’ll see how it goes. You can wish all you want for a life back, but all you can do is continue to move forward and continue to grow.