When I think back to the past winter, I remember darkness. The darkness inside myself. I can see now how much I’ve grown in such a short amount of time. There’s nothing like having your life completely shaken to see how quickly and how well you can adapt. I don’t blame anyone for the things that happened, but what has grown out of it is truly a beautiful thing.
I felt a lot of depression, hurt, and anger towards people. Instead of growing out of that or dealing with it I think I took it out on everyone or blamed everyone around me (lets look back to the post,”Where have all the good people gone”. Having someone live with you for five years when you don’t even want to live with yourself masks everything. It becomes so easy to blame that other person when you don’t like what you see in yourself. “You should make me feel special, loved, you should be honest with me.” All things I think my heart was begging of myself.
Becoming so sick so quickly and not recovering very quickly (I am still at about 75% on a good day, though sometimes if I lose myself in a task I’ll forget about it for a bit), losing my dog, having to depend on myself for everything. These were all tough things to deal with, things I’ve pulled through and learned so much from.
In becoming sick so quickly, I realized just how lucky I was before to have my health. Now I feel so conscious of everyday. I feel so grateful for everyday I am not in a hospital. So grateful for everyday that I’m not in excruciating pain. It’s been almost three months since my health slid through my fingertips and even now it’s a constant hum. It’s this kind of everyday challenge I think that has truly brought the most gratitude into my life. Every morning the feeling of being very unwell. Every morning thinking, do I call in? Do I stay lying here until I feel better one day? Or do I go out and get things done and live my life, even though I don’t feel well. So many people live in far worse pain than this everyday. I also have this re-occurring thought, “If, say three more months from now, I wake up one morning feeling 100%, will I be overwhelmed by how I’d done nothing to help myself? Or will I wake up one morning and see how even through suffering I loved myself and took care of myself.” Through this lesson I’ve also learned that really in the end, it doesn’t matter how much money you have or things you have. It’s the people that surround you or rather that you surround yourself with that brings beauty into your life.
In losing my dog, ah such a trivial thing. Whenever I’d heard of someone’s loss of a pet before I could feel sympathy but not empathy. I always marveled at how hard it was for people to “get over”. Nothing lasts forever. In the blink of an eye the things you love can be gone. Make every moment count. If anything this was a huge lesson in empathy. In a deep sorrow that cuts like a knife so deeply and mends together so slowly. Though they say time heals everything.
At the end of each day before my world turned, I almost can’t remember what my inner self would think about. Probably on things to do the next day, worrying about the future, worrying about money. At the end of the day since my previous life exploded into a million pieces..
These are my thoughts:
I am grateful for the health I do have.
I am grateful for the help of others.
I am grateful that I found the strength to go to work today.
I am grateful for the people that have stood by me.
I am grateful for my talents.
I am grateful for the beauty that surrounds me.