The Heart of Winter

Here we are again, in the heart of winter.

( A song to set the wintery cabin mood I’ve been sipping my tea to. )

Finley is four months old now, I am a month away from my 24th birthday. The days are short and the nights so long, peacefully so. I’m having a difficult time moving forward with projects as I’m just keeping up with keeping everything unburied, warm and alive. I’m not at all complaining, I am happy with where I’m at. A couple days ago there was a bit of a snow storm and from that snow storm I’ve been shoveling away my past couple of days.

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I still love being here. I was able to come home an hour early today and was able to see everything in the daylight. A rare occurrence. I looked out to snow covered mountains, to everything that has improved and/or moved forward in the year 2014 despite so many setbacks and sickness.

Still, all of it is mine. Looking back on 2014 for all that happened, I’ve come a long ways. I’ve learned so much more in the past year, skill wise and about myself. My life in the past year has been completely stripped of everything, been cold, broken and lonely. And then bit by bit, rebuilt. I can say this. I am so thankful for the past year, for all the hard lessons and curve balls. Where I sit now I am so happy and completely overwhelmed with joy. I am proud of all I’ve accomplished and how far I’ve come. The biggest lesson in the past couple of days has completely changed my outlook on my goals and life. The art of letting go and actually living fully in the moment.

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All my life I’ve always felt consumed with the need to get ahead, plan, prepare. So easily I would be caught up in all the to-dos I’d created for myself. Keeping notebooks of ideas and lists. The ideas are good. I still love the ideas. It’s the lists that got me. I could never keep up with the expectations I created for myself. So what if the cabins not finished or in perfect self-sustaining function. So what if it takes twenty years. It’s the most beautiful and rewarding project I’ve ever taken on. I would rather carry on as I have been at a steady pace then push myself to work all day and night to continue on projects. Where’s the beauty when your constantly pushed and tired. What good is any of it if there isn’t a moment to enjoy what you have achieved. In the summer I wrote the blog, “the prize”, a page from my personal journal. Something I kept focused on and helped me to not dwell on how ill I was. Something to dream of. I’m bursting at the seams to admit that, it’s starting to come true. Beautifully so.

I think there’s a bit of an art to life. When you can do things peacefully, contentedly and well. There’s a lot of beauty in a job done well. In a meal beautifully and wonderfully made, in a flower arrangement that’s been whimsically thought out and lovingly done. In a wall that you’ve framed and stood yourself, in a crocheted toque with a bit of love and warmth spun in with every counted stitch. To stand out in the dark winter’s night without any lights or sounds. Just a bit of light from the moon, to see the dancing stars and flashy northern lights and to hear the wolves howl under it all.  I think this as I’ve finished shoveling two feet of snow from the trails around the cabin. I can’t help but feel so much love for all I’ve done and hope to do. God my life can be so beautiful.

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As we are a week into January I’d like to keep that in focus. To not worry about things yet to be done but to focus on the job at hand and to look up now and again and to appreciate how far I’ve come. To bring this peaceful attitude with me into work and to have patience for everything and for those around me. To be grateful for my life and to share how blessed I am with others. To do it all happily, in the heart of winter.

Oh, and I should mention.

I’m in love.

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5 thoughts on “The Heart of Winter

  1. I know I don’t need to say how happy I am for you, that you are finding your way again, finding peace and loving within and of yourself, and for another… but I’ll say it anyway. Yay for you!

  2. 🙂 Compare this post to the one from January 2014, it’s a vast difference! It’s amazing how much a person can get worn down just to build back up, even stronger! As for lists, they’re alright to make, but it doesn’t mean you need to get everything done right away. They’re more like….hmm…guidelines, I suppose you can call them. My dad has the same problem: sets his expectations too high and feels defeated and like a failure when nothing seems to get done. You’ve learnt to appreciate the smallest of accomplishments, no matter how minor, and appreciate them as they come because they slowly build up to the bigger ones. If that makes any sort of sense :/ I’ll blame all this on too much caffeine

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