The Bottom.

I’ve struggled to write at all the past months.

I have been drowning.

At the end of winter and beginning of spring I sunk into a very deep depression.

Come the weekend I couldn’t leave my bed. It took everything I had on a weekday to go into work and attempt to function like a normal person. Regardless I still felt the nagging weight tied to my legs pulling me under throughout the day. People would point out other people had it worse. This is true. It also makes me feel no differently.

I went through a shitty break up and felt a lot of my the hope I’ve ever carried about life go into the trash along with that relationship. I’m completely over that whole thing now, but my hope is still gone.

In April I signed up to be a workaway host and my first workaway volunteer arrived at the end of April.

I am so grateful.

Counting down the days before he would arrive kept me from acting on extremely suicidal thoughts. Very soon we both got to know each other (have I mentioned the cabin is a very small one?) and realized we are complete opposites. He is calm, peaceful, positive, young and full of energy and has a zest for life. I am chaos, a dark storm, negative, old ( I feel very old and drained of any youth I might have ever had) with no desire to continue really.

Our first week together was like going to a rehab. Coming home from work I started looking forward to the drive rather than dreading it. I couldn’t wait to see what progress was happening at the cabin as well as share my day and work more on being pulled out of the stormy ocean. One night at the end of one of our deep conversations on life Ryan asked me if I love myself. I said I did not.

Weeks later I am realizing I do. That I’m extremely hard on myself and find it hard to accept and forgive myself. To accept and approve that I am doing the best I can. The clouds began to lift. Peace started to seep in through the windows.

Then the winds picked up.

It’s been a miserable couple of days.

Things are piling up and the tides come in to pull me back out again.

My main miseries:

Love: I feel that the universe keeps love away from me beacause I am a black hole. Sucking up any life, love and light and transforming it into nothing. “There is someone for you, you’ll see”. False. There is not. There never was. It is impossible for me to think there ever will be. The most frustrating knife clenching part of it is that my lifestyle was meant for two. It’s been almost two years since we bought the property. Only four months of that was with someone else being there seemingly wanting to be there. The goal is driven by me. My cause is fading. It’s so heavy. Coming home to my workaway, Ryan is nice and we are good company to each other, but it doesn’t fill the void. We are in absolutely no way romantic and he is here until I believe the end of August or so. I’m dreading that time. I will be sent off on my own again into dark waters. He thinks I am young and there’s plenty of time for things to turn around. Is there? The past two years for me have been much of the same. At the beginning of this I held onto hope. Hope that tomorrow good things would happen. Bad thing after bad thing would happen. Every now and then a bit of grace would come in and something good would happen. But for the most part this ship has been sinking.

This winter I let go of hope.

I don’t hold hope anymore. The love I fell into while in the short lived relationship of this past winter I felt lifted. Like I could soar. Like with that man by my side I could move mountains and take anything on. I felt strong and capable. The curtains closed and the rug pulled from beneath me. Emptiness. Empty cabin. Empty heart.

Why did I hold on to hope in the beginning? Why did I hope for something good? I know what my luck is like. Why did I hope it would change.

Money.

I can’t afford my lifestyle. The cabin. The truck. The animals. I’ve used any credit I could get my hands on and my debt to people and companies is unbelievable. The cabin was meant for two incomes (not both from me) and two people. It was meant to be a partnership. It wasn’t meant to be alone. It wasn’t meant to turn into a prison.

I am lost. I don’t have any answers or much to give. I didn’t want to write anymore depressing dark posts and here we are.

Two nights ago Ryan was off outside listening to french lessons he’s recently been learning. I was inside looking through old homesteading magazines I have from the beginning. Beautiful pictures of earthy homesteading loving couples that create beautiful lives together. Two.

I felt the sting. I thought I would write about it in my journal. It still stung. I flipped back in the journal to last year at this time. My lament was the exact same. Two.

I’ve slipped beneath the surface since then.

Sinking slowly, quietly to the bottom.

  

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6 thoughts on “The Bottom.

  1. One of the hardest things you will ever do is wait for God to bring the right person into your life but it is worth the wait if you do. You have chosen a lonely way to live and while I know that you love that lifestyle maybe this is not the right time for you to be living it. Instead of asking God to help you do what you want to do, ask Him to show you what he would like you to do and then be prepared to do it. In the bible there is a verse in which God tells us “I know the plans that I have for you-plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.

    I hope that you don’t mind me talking to you this way but I know exactly how you are feeling. When I first asked God to come in and forgive me for doing things my own way and to show me His way, I was in the same place as you almost. Going from one heartbreak (bad decision ) to the next and inflicting it on two children as well. Each decision made me feel worse about myself and more unsure. God changed that. Once I knew that He was directing my path, I felt secure even if I didn’t understand it or wouldn’t have chosen it. —– because I knew that He loved me just as you will know that He loves you.

    Please tell me if you don’t want me to send you anything again. It hurts to see you hurt.

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  2. Cassandra, I’m so sorry you’re going through this rough patch… maybe I could even say rough “life”. You won’t find me giving you advice, but I will agree with you that there are times of desperation and thoughts of wondering why some things happen. It’s easy to become disillusioned and negative. No one can say, “I know exactly how you are feeling” because none of us is you or have lived any of the intimate details of your life. To me, there never seems to be anything appropriate or comforting to say at times like this. Life sucks sometimes and it’s damned difficult. Life is a fight. And, life is a teacher. Sometimes we hit rock bottom before we can understand or discover what the experience was about. Many times in life our plan does not pan out like we hoped it would. All I can tell you is, life is a crazy adventure into the unknown. Sometimes we soar and other time we succumb to the darkness. I think you understand that many times after we pull ourselves out of a hole, we feel accomplishment and pride. We feel tough and strong and we discover something of ourselves we didn’t know we were capable of. You are young… and you’ve climbed some unbelievable mountains in your time. Don’t give up on yourself. You won’t know who you are until you know who you are not. Nothing is a mistake… it is just a part of discovering yourself.

    And I am going to say this too… I love you. You are a bright star in the Universe and an inspiration to me! 🙂

  3. I’m not too sure if you want to hear my opinion, but I’m going to say it regardless.

    Stop thinking of your life built for two. There’s only you. There’s only you to please and no one else. Yes, your homestead originally started off with two, but now it’s one and you need to find that fine line of balance that makes it possible for just one person to make it happen. I imagine your mortgage is what is causing you the most grief, but you can’t allow your depression to give up your dream. Your goal. If it’s possible to cut more expenses of yours, then do so. There is a way to own animals and have low expenses, but it in itself is difficult to find out (believe me, I know all about not being able to afford those silly creatures) and if you have to give them up, it will break your heart, but it may just lighten your load until you’re able to afford them once more.

    Most people do homestead with their spouse, but not everyone. It can be done. Don’t give up hope. You’ve been such an inspiration, because I didn’t think anyone else my age was crazy enough to want to live in an off-grid cabin in the bush and homestead. You’ve gotten this far; you’ve held onto your home, the home that you built. How many people can say that? You HAVE accomplished lots, although it may feel like you haven’t. I don’t have anyone save family and but everything going into my homestead is from my sole income. The only saving grace for me is, I don’t have to purchase land. I’d love to, but can’t afford it. My dream is to homestead in the Yukon, but I’m scared to do it alone and I know I can’t afford it. Maybe one day….

    As for love….Sigh. Most people want an easy life. Homesteading is too hard. It’s hard to find someone who shares that same interest. It’s hard that you can’t always get want you want. I’m head over heels for someone who fills that empty void in me too, and I think it’s because we both are a mixture of loneliness and sadness, but there are too many barriers for us to even consider a relationship and it’s crushing, especially because he is interested in my cabin and how it’s coming along. Everyone needs someone to fill that empty void; to know you’re not alone in the darkness; to settle you and comfort you; but sometimes, it just takes a while to find that someone, even if you’ve given up all hope and don’t believe anymore.

    I know this is all easier said than done and it’s hard to push down those overwhelming feelings of drowning; that there is no possible way for you to reach the surface because there is a black dragon dragging you back down, but there is. I’m sorry for my lame advice, and this insane novel that I just wrote you, but I’d hate to come onto your blog one day to see what you’ve thrown in the sheets after fighting so hard for so long. You have spirit. Good luck, Cassandra.

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