The night sky illuminates for a split second filled with stars and slowly the stars in unison, fade. I am walking through the deep, cold crusty snow. Over-sized men’s work boots on my feet weigh me down and my blistered, slivered feet rub in all the wrong places. I am so tired and cold. I’m wearing a pretty floral dress, the winter breeze and cold chew mercilessly at my skin. Darkness. The sky pulsates again illuminating the night sky with stars. Hope? I don’t know where I am going. The stars fade to darkness again. My shins are bleeding from the hard snow I am walking through. Dark, tall trees in the distance seem to beckon as I cross what looks like a clear-cut. I look down at myself and see a line glowing from within cutting me in half. My head aches and I cross the spot where it aches with my hand to find an antler growing. Fuck I am hurting. I am hurting hard. The sky illuminates once more.
“Your driving too fast, slow down for this corner, easy now..”
It is daylight and I am driving. I know how fast I drive. It feels good. Whiteout conditions blow snowbanks onto the road and it’s hard to tell where the road meets the sky. Why couldn’t I have been loved. The snow blows past faster and faster. The truck spins out of control and I feel calm. The truck always spins out of control. I dance the line of danger and control myself once more. I steady the truck. I wonder what it would feel like to drive head on into traffic. To drive through a snowbank. I wonder what it would feel like to not feel alone anymore. I wonder what it would feel like to have someone choose to stand beside me no matter how hard I pushed them.
Choosing masculinity over my feminine side seemed like the obvious choice. Men hurt woman. Why would I want to continue to hurt. Why would I choose to be pretty and happy and kind to expose myself to the wolves. I want to be the wolf. I am a wolf. Blood pools inside the over-sized work boots. What is warmth? There is no cabin, smoke billowing from the chimney into the pulsing sky. There is only empty forest and space. I look down at the dress I am wearing and notice my body wasting away. Where is the food? What is life? I am but nothingness, a blip in time. My life means nothing.
I feel hot angry tears burning down my face and look for God. Why couldn’t I have had love.
The forest is silent and space is vast, my head pounds. The radio comes on over the silence. It fills the night sky. Love song after shitty love song. “Hold on when you get love, and let go when you give it.” “You weren’t born to be abandoned, You weren’t born to be forsaken, You were born to be loved.”
My right armpit aches down into my hand and my hands stopped working.
I scream over the radio pouring into the night.
“What the fuck God?!” Is this a joke? This is a joke. My life’s a joke. The emptiness in my heart pounds. The pulsing starry night stops and darkness sets in. Nothingness. The radio dies down and all that remains of it is the ringing in my ears. My stomach growls angerly as I throw up into the snow.
I ignore the cold, the snow, everything. I hover down over where I stood and curl into a ball, the snow burning my skin. I remember a customer from the cafe. Dark brown eyes that turned my hot anger to cool water. A voice sure and low, deep and steady. I remember imagining what it would be like to have that in my life. To have him in my life. Before my heart starts to quicken I remember it is nothing. A memory. Something to hold onto that should be abandoned. Something to hold onto as I die in the dark winters night.
Was there something I missed? I look back on my life and examine every situation. It wasn’t a life of choice. It was a life of learning acceptance. That those around me were loved, were blessed. No matter how much I begged to be blessed to it wasn’t for me.
Slow falls gently around me and the puppy cries to go outside. The puppy. I reach for my headlamp and fumble down the steep stairs. Opening the front door and leaving it open, to let the dogs out and the cold in.