The last few days have been a bit rough. There wasn’t a specific event to bring it on. It just enveloped me out of the blue. One day at work, I was asked to head further out than usual. I left late in the day in hopes to avoid most of the logging traffic (and failed miserably in doing that) I ended up stuck sitting in pullouts waiting for heavy traffic to go through – single lane radio controlled roads and all that. It took a long time to get to where I was going. I didn’t mind, I played with Yus, checked through some mail I had brought and took pictures of the scenery. By the time I got our to where I was headed it was quite late in the day.
My tracks were the only ones on the road.
It started snowing heavily and I stopped the truck. Stepping out into the windy snow a wave of lonely freedom washed over me. With only my tire tracks and wolf, lynx and rabbit tracks patterned across the road and the last bits of daylight leaving the sky, I was in awe. Awe of how beautifully wild it was out there and how small and free I was. With nobody coming over the radio, no music, nothing but the isolating sound of snow falling around me. This feeling I’ve had before being way out in the woods, I’ve just never in my life had it happen alone. Five years ago if someone showed me what my life looks like now and how I live. I would be dumbstruck and thrilled at the same time. Never would I have dreamt up actually going out this deep into the wilderness alone.
Something in me wants to scream to break the deafening quiet. I don’t think I’ve written about it here yet but three months ago I found myself with a viral ear infection and started to lose my hearing in my right ear. I couldn’t hear people coming up my driveway anymore, or coffee percolating on the stove. I never imagined losing my hearing but it was quickly happening. Recently I feel like I’ve almost got it beat and my hearing has come back. Yesterday one of my neighbors stopped in to bring a load of fire-wood by and I was thrilled to be able to hear the truck pull in. I had begun to rely immensely on my dog Finley to bark when someone arrived, something he hadn’t done before. Being able to hear again, it makes being out in the wild overwhelmingly joyous. I had my hearing checked which I did better at now that the infection is losing then I thought I would, though I’ll admit I stumbled a bit.. (Say the word, “earthquake”, say the word “—- —- ” I shake my head blankly looking back at the women through the glass feeling my throat go tight). Surprisingly the right ear is almost back up again with the left. The human body is an impressive creature.
I recently asked B if he wanted me to drive this route more often. He asked if I was looking for more work. I replied that if it meant running machinery or driving the new truck then I’m in. “Well your going to get your hands dirty, diesel, oil and mud. I’m not going to be a gentlemen and do dirty work for you.” “Good,” I reply. I’m sure I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, I work for a truly great man. Being out in the bush and having it be a job thrills me. He discussed possibly logging in my future or helping to build roads and bridges on logging roads. I couldn’t be more excited. The idea of bringing in some decent income makes me feel like the homestead will be more secure. If I could get some loans, mortgages, and debt paid off, I would be a happy camper. It’s not just about the money though, I genuinely love the work. To be honest I feel like I was waiting for someone to come into my life that would smell like diesel and chain oil and rescue the cabin. Rescue me. Now I smell like diesel and I’m “rescuing” myself. I was talking to a friend today and they asked what I would be looking for in a man now that I am the man I was looking for. I replied, “drive, the willingness to learn and to constantly push themselves further into growing, moving forward and constantly be improving himself and his environment. Someone that’s not afraid to work hard.”
What I wish I said after that was a man that can love harder than he works.